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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
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|Sunday, April 5th, 2009|
After all this time, how could you do this to me??
How could you hurt me like this and not even care?
I don't know why I'm still here. I don't know why I want to forgive you.
|Thursday, April 2nd, 2009|
|Saturday, January 31st, 2009|
That's how I'm feeling.
My life is falling apart and so am I. Current Mood: crushed
|Wednesday, January 7th, 2009|
I've got too much going on right now.
Way too much.
I'm stressed out so bad.
The dreams have started again. I woke up 3 mornings ago in a cold sweat with tears running down my face.
I don't know what to do. There is no way for me to control it.
Sometimes I just wish that I didn't have to sleep at all.
|Thursday, January 1st, 2009|
I'm so miserable with the way I look right now. My stomach is huge, my butt is jiggly, my thighs are flabby.
Its really changing everything.
Mike is constantly asking if I don't find him attractive anymore, etc. etc. I want to tell him that it's nothing to do with him, that it's because I'm totally disguested by myself and how much weight I've let myself gain. Once I get my treadmill it will all change.
As of 30 minutes ago, I had only eaten 3 handfuls of cool ranch doritos and a can of orange pop.
Mike ended up making us dinner.
I "accidenlty" dropped half of mine on the floor.
I had about 1/2-3/4 of a cup of this pasta stuff my mom made (penne noodles, stewed tomatos, fresh spinach and some kind of beans), about 1/4 of a cup of mac and cheese, and probably about 5 oz. of 2% milk. (He warmed up leftovers)
Not good, but not bad.
Either way, I'm still under 800 cals for the day.
Not really sure how many, but my guess is probably around 650ish.
Tomorrow isn't going to be fun. I have a "lunch date" with one of my best friends. We always go to the same place. Kind of a tradition. It's called Greggs. It's pizza and breadsticks and pop.
It's a combo deal for like $4.
Maybe I'll get it, without pepperoni, with diet pop. I'll eat half the slice of pizza and a breadstick and that will be it for the day. I'll take the rest home to mike.
I don't understand why I gain weight and gain weight when I eat the same foods as him and he's still skinny as hell.
I'm collecting some pictures to motivate me.
|Monday, November 17th, 2008|
FUCK MY LIFE.
I'm going back to purging.
|Monday, July 28th, 2008|
Okay, so as of March my measurements were this:
widest area with both thighs-37
Now they are this:
widest area with both thighs-36.25
Not a lot of improvment, but some. I gained FIVE POUNDS over my birthday weekend from drinking and eating, but I WILL lose it within the next week. I did it once, I can do it again.
|Thursday, July 24th, 2008|
|Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008|
I am on day 5 of ABC. I am 126 pounnds. Still.
Today I did about 230/300.
I want to be at most 123 by Friday.
|Friday, July 18th, 2008|
| ( An explaination of why I think I've totally lost my mindCollapse )
Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From the blasphemy in my wasteland
How did I get here
And what went wrong
Couldn't handle forgiveness
Now I'm far beyond gone
I can hardly remember
The look of my own eyes
How can I love this a life so dishonest
It made me compromise....
Totally, 100% gone.
And I have nobody to talk to that would understand.
I'm totally alone.
|Thursday, July 10th, 2008|
So I started the ABC diet yesterday. I went over by 20 calories. I was doing good, at about 420 cals and they dared me to try a piece of this new cheese we got in at work. They said they would give me $5 if I ate the whole piece. I NEVER turn down a dare for money, especially since I'm BROKE. So I ate it. It was 100 CALORIES. What the fuck. It was super hot pepper cheese and holy shit...was it fucking hot. I drank like a gallon of water after I ate it.
It's noon, and so far today I'm at 0 calories. I'm supposed to be hanging out with one of Mike's cousins today, so yesterday I told her about how I felt kind of sick but I'd still hang out with her if she wanted to go out. Hopefully she doesn't call me. If she does, I'll go hang out with her but if she wants to get food play the "I don't feel good" game.
I'm aiming for 250, but I'll allow 350 at most.
Day of ABC: 2
Starting weight for ABC: 127
Current weight: 125.5
Down 1.5, lets see if I can make it through the whole diet.
Day one of my ABC diet = 520 calories :(
HOWEVER. I will cut down tomorrow from 500 to 375 to make up for it. I also have the house to myself tomorrow, so I'll probably take my dogs on walks, do some crunches, whatever else I feel like doing.
I'm only going to do weekly weigh ins, just so I don't get discouraged if I don't lose one day.
|I know I've already posted twice today, but....
I just want you girls to know that I love you a lot.
You girls know more about me than even my boyfriend, or my two best friends. I know that none of you will ever judge me like they would. You understand me and where I'm coming from. One night in the car, my boyfriend and his dad got on the topic of anorexic girls and how they are crazy. I was like "honestly, it's a disease, they can't help the way they see themselves" My boyfriend was like...Obviously you know when you are skinny. I remembered and mentioned to him a show I watched where they went into a rehab clinic and had the girls draw what they though the outline of their body looked like on the wall then had them stand in it while they traced it to show the HUGE difference. Maybe it's true. Maybe I'm not that fat, but when I look in the mirror, all I see is a flabby stomach, fat thighs, and a huge, fat ass. My boyfriend doesn't understand why I'm so worried about my weight. He'll "love me even if I got fat". Doesn't he realize that I'm already there?!?
Then again, the other day he told me that at my height, I should weigh like 90 pounds.
That made me reconsider my LTGW. I want to be 90 pounds. I can, and WILL do it.
I just drank some lax tea. Hopefully it gets rid of my bloating. I'll take my water pills tomorrow to see if that helps too.
Has anyone actually tried any diet pills that work? My boyfriends sister just started taking some green tea pills that she mixes with some other pills and she went from being this:http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=14239511&albumID=1759123&imageID=34910295
(She's the pregnant looking one in the green and thats a link to my myspace btw)
To being 115 pounds. 10 pounds lighter than me.
It has to be the pills she is taking.
Now I'm the one that looks pregnant. I want to be 120 by my birthday. I've got two weeks. I've got this. It is nothing.
P.S.~ The whole point of this was to tell you girls how much I appreciate you and how I couldn't do this without you, but I take sleeping pills on a regular basis and once they start to kick in, I kind of ramble on for a while.
My sleeping pills normally wear off around 10 am. Do you think it would be bad if I got up, drank a bunch of water and took another then did some crunches or ran some stairs while I waited for them to kick in? It would only be on the days I don't work of course, but I mean...If I'm sleeping, I'm not eating right?
|Tuesday, June 24th, 2008|
I hate myself right now. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I want to be beautiful and skinny. I've starting a daily journal to keep track of everything I eat. And I mean, EVERYTHING. If I bite even a corner off a piece of cheese at work, I'm writing it down.
But, theres a problem. I think my boyfriend is starting to suspect something. He found my journal the other day and I'm not sure if he read it, All he would have to do would be open it to know.
The first three pages are all pictures of skinny girls, fat girls, newspaper clippings, quotes from magazines, the internet, etc. etc. about losing weight and being fat. One of the quotes says "I really don't care how fat people got that way; fat people are ross smelly pigs who have no contro, don't care to have control, and don't work hard enough to have control. Fat people are one of the reasons our health care is so ridiculously expensive, and who wants to pay more for health care because a fatty can't stop shoving food in his or her face? Fat people are ugly." Underneath it is the ms. krispy kreme picture. If you've never seen it, it's five obese, naked women wearing kripy kreme logos. It's horrible.
It's harsh, but true.
I weigh 129 right now. But not for long. I'm going to buy some diet pills before work today. I'm going to work hard. I'm going to stop eating. I WILL be skinny again. I WILL lose 10 pounds by my birthday.
|Wednesday, March 19th, 2008|
|Tuesday, March 18th, 2008|
So I measured myself today. Almost every inch of fat has been recorded.
widest area with both thighs-37
The next time I measure, those numbers will be less.
|Tuesday, March 11th, 2008|
Obviously, the hourly log didn't work out. That's because I live with two other people. Both of who like to come in and see what I'm doing on the computer. Luckily, I'm down to 126 now. I still have 16 pounds to go by april!
|Monday, March 3rd, 2008|
I may or may not still weigh 129. My scale is confused as to my real weight. I'm somewhere between 129 and 127.5. I'm seriously grossed out by myself. I feel like I have no self control.
I've been doing a lot better, but it doesn't seem to be helping at all. Especially if I've only lost a pound and a half in the last 10 days. That sucks. A lot.
|Thursday, February 28th, 2008|
I think that keeping an hour by hour log of my calorie intake, will help me cut back a lot.
So for today:
As of noon:
1 diet coke - 0 cal.